margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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