I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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