Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
