Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
