he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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