If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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