i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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