How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
