i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
