yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
