Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
