I wish I only lived at night.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Randomize
