I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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