My liver just broke up with me...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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