Soap is not a condiment
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
