clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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