Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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