you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
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