They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
