haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
