buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
