Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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