The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
