if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
