I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Randomize
