i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
