my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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