I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
