Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
