my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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