there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
