guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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