I used to practice getting hit by cars.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
