happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
