textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
