3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
