dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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