I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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