so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
