The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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