remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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