i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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