I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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