I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
