If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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