I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
