His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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