Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
