watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
