Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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