My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
