Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
