Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you had me at cake vodka
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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